My memo to Sheldon Adelson

The wing-nut billionaire is in the market for a few good Republican pols. I guess his stable is running low on horses. He's got a few old nags but no winners in his gold-plated paddock. So when they read his want ads, GOPers sprinted as fast as their hooves would carry them, out to Vegas to kiss Adelson's ass ring.

On the outside is Romney running neck and neck with Jeb Bush. Chris Christie is wheezing as he rounds the turn. Then there's Rand Paul and the guy from Wisconsin (whatshisname?) bringing up the rear.

And the winner is --- oops, there ain't no winner.

“I don’t want to spend millions on another loser,” said Adelson, who purchased both Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney in 2012. The casino magnate was scathing in his assessment of the candidates he declined to buy, calling them “a third-rate grab bag of has-beens and dimwits.” -- Borowitz

Forbes reports that in the two days since he hosted the Republican Jewish Coalition’s meeting with all these losers and ne'er-do-wells, at his Venetian Resort and Hotel,  Adelson personally made $2.1 billion — 21 times the $100 million he reported giving away during the 2012 presidential election. So he can easily afford to buy a potential winner. So I decided to drop Adelson a line and offer some suggestions.

Here's my memo to Sheldon: 

Mr. Adelson (or may I call you Sheldon?),

I sympathize with you in your effort to purchase a potential 2016 GOP winner among this gaggle of cretins and boneheads. Here's my advice to you. Believe me Sheldon, I may be broke, but I know what I'm talking about.

Don't get hung up on party labels. We've got a mayor here who's a Democrat in name only and who would be a perfect buy for you. He's a proven winner with the Chicago corporate big boys and local 1%ers. A big cog in the Chicago machine (remember they all turned Republican the day that a black guy, Harold Washington, won the party primary back in '83) so they've had plenty of experience being Republicans. He's a pension grabber and union buster like you. He'll do anything to keep from taxing the wealthy and the corporations. And his brother is Ari, who I know you've done some casino business with in Vegas.

Rahm and Rauner

Rahm was a big supporter of the war in Iraq just like you. and he's even a veteran of the Israeli Defense Forces (volunteered not once, but twice) which I know is dear to your own heart. I'm sure your pal Netanyahu will recommend him highly.

I know Rahm has said some unkind things about you in the past, but believe me, he's for sale --always has been-- and you guys can let bygones be bygones for the good of the cause. Bill Clinton got him for a steal back in the '90s, getting him a retainer from your friends at Goldman Sachs while he was still working on Clinton's campaign. When Rambo (he likes to be called that) resigned from his position in the Clinton administration, he joined Bill's pals at the investment banking firm Wasserstein Perella, where he worked until 2002. Although he didn't even have an MBA or prior banking experience, they still made him managing director at the firm’s Chicago office in 1999 when he made $16.2 million in his two-and-a-half-years as a banker. It's nice to have friends in low high places.

At Wasserstein Perella, he worked on eight deals, including the acquisition by Commonwealth Edison of Peco Energy and the purchase by GTCR Golder Rauner of the SecurityLink home security unit from SBC Communications. So if you need any references (besides mine), talk to your billionaire Republican buddy Bruce Rauner who I'm sure will give Rahm an A+ rating. It was Rauner who bankrolled his last mayoral campaign.

Your pal (I wish),
Mike Klonsky

P.S. Oh yes, and there's no delivery charge on purchases of $20 million or more.